And no, I don’t mean that I have a couple of screws loose….though some people might argue that point But no, this is a more serious matter actually. Although I do realize I use humor as a coping mechanism more oft than not. My friends understand this, whether they come to me w/ something thats made them angry or sad or what not – I do have my serious moments, but when it comes to the bottom line I try to turn things around to laughter. I know personally its gotten me through more things than I can remember. Anywhos, before I get too far off track here. My brother-in-law recently got diagnosed with an untreatable cancer, in his bladder. I don’t know that I know of one word that causes more fear in a person than that one simple C word. I should give y’all a little more background on him though. When he was 25 there was an accident that left him paralyzed from the waist down. Since then he has had numerous operations due to the flesh eating disease – I can’t remember the technical name for that but yeh. Hes now 54 [I believe] & through it all there have been many times where they were unsure if he’d make it through. So it goes without saying that hes had anything but an easy life. I got a call from one of my nephews yesterday saying that his calcium level was 14.2, if it goes much higher his body will start shutting down. Right now hes at home, where he wishes to remain. The main hospital hes been in & out of recently has yanked him back in forth IMHO. They went from telling us that he had the type that they could cure easily, to saying there was nothing they could do. They also tried blaming another hospital for giving him bad blood, when in fact the only place he’d gotten blood from was them. So I don’t blame him for not wanting to go back there. Nor do I blame him for wanting known & comfortable surroundings in his last days. Last night was planned to take my son to the lighted Christmas parade where we live. Instead with everything going on we went down & spent time with him. Its hard to say how many people came to visit him as well last night. I can’t even begin to imagine whats going through his mind. But seeing a man who has already been through so much, it pains me to see him have to go through this. We’ve been told that he more than likely won’t make it until Christmas. And I’ve tried my best to prepare my 7 yr old son for this. If theres anything my brother-in-law has said alot recently its that he had hoped to watch my son grow up. He always tells me to take care of my son before we leave & I always tell him he knows I will. Last night he was so weak & as my son lay his head on his stomach & hugged him….my brother-in-law kissed his hand & placed it on the top of my sons head. The dam of tears I’d been holding back broke at that moment. I know they say theres no love like a mothers love. Well, if anyone could love my son nearly as much as I do its him. Ever since my son was born sight of him lights up his face. And he always seems to have some goody or another set back just for him.
I’ve said that at least we all will have had our chance to say what we want before its his time. Yet I myself can’t seem to find the words once I’m there. So I sat here tears running down my cheeks & typed out a small letter to him. Now whether I read it or just give it to him to read I haven’t decided yet, but either way at least I have said my part.
This is what I wrote -

Roger,
Some times in life we never know how much a person is going to end up meaning to us. You went from being Scotts brother, to someone who means more to me than I think even you yourself know. You took me into your home & even with the arrival of Steven not once did you complain, when I’m sure a crying baby was not what you wanted to get woken up to in the middle of the nights. What I do know is the way your face lights up when Steven walks into the room. Its amazing to know that someone else can love my son nearly as much as I myself do & there are no words fitting of how much that means to me. Never have you looked down on me or judged me for any of my past or present behaviors. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I couldn’t have asked for a better brother-in-law if I tried.
As many trials as you’ve been through in your life it pains me to see you hurting now. My grandma used to tell me that God tests those he loves the most. I know I’ve been anything but a good example of a Christian to you. And you also know I have never once pushed the subject. But he does love you. Maybe because he sees the strong guy, the amazing uncle/brother with a huge heart that I do. Every night Steven asks God to look after you. And every night I pray that you’ll accept him into your heart. I don’t want to say goodbye to you. I’ve never been good at them. I want to be able to say see you later & know that when my times comes I’ll see you in heaven. I want to know that in the meantime you’re up there running around with not only your parents & relatives but that you’ll be there to greet me when its my time.
I may not have been good at showing how much you mean to me in the past. I only hope that this makes up for all of that.
Love Always
Your sister-in-law,
Amy

I know there are people who may read this who don’t believe in God, so be it. But please respect the fact that is my belief – I’m not pushing it on you, so don’t turn comments into some religious debate.