–noun Psychiatry. an abnormal fear of being in crowds, public places, or open areas, sometimes accompanied by anxiety attacks.
thats the given definition anywhos. but it doesn’t tell you that there are various degrees or really much else about it. you’re probably wondering why i’ve chosen to talk about this. well given my life its only par for the course that i have one form/degree of this not so wonderful phobia. maybe that won’t come as quite a shock to those who know me but now you know why. the best way for me to explain it….its like being prisoner inside of yourself….sorta anyways. some people who suffer from this can’t even leave their home. so i guess you could say i’m pretty thankful my version isn’t quite as severe as others. until now only two people outside of immediate family know that i have this. its not something i talk about often because even my own family doesn’t seem to be able to fully grasp what its like. i do know i’m not alone, and i guess that makes me feel a lil less crazy. i can go out && do things. but i rarely stray from what i know. && even more rarely go places alone. if i go too far out of my comfort zone it usually ends up in a nasty panic attack – and for the record if you’ve never had one count your blessings. the reason i said its like being a prisoner inside of yourself is because i truly am. there are things i want in life that i just can’t do. i can’t go to college much less hold a job, i don’t even drive. i guess its hard for those who don’t suffer the same to understand exactly. some days i ride the fence between depression && wanting to kick myself in the butt. when moneys running low is when things get worse. before my own family thought it was just that i was being lazy….couldn’t have been further from the truth. i can only assume what people believe about me or others who suffer from this. all i can say is before you do try putting yourself in our shoes. its an everyday struggle we face.

its very frustrating to want to do something, make something of myself when i can’t. all my life i’ve wanted to go to college && pursue w/e career in the end i’ve decided is where i want life to take me….as of now the only credentials i have is of being a mother && wife. its frustrating knowing i have soooo much more inside of me. some day i will conquer this monster though. i don’t know how or when or how long it’ll take before that happens. i only know it will happen in time. some day i WILL find the key to release myself from behind these bars. until then i take it day by day.